As far as getting our children to behave better at school, we are trying every kind of discipline we can.

From taking toys or blankets away for bad behavior to flat out bribery.

At first I felt uncomfortable when Adam introduced bribery. He told Jack if he got a good report from the teacher for 3 days in a row he could have the expensive dinosaur toy he’s been eyeing at Target.

Jack had a good day, then a bad day, then three good days in a row. Adam went out the next day and got him the toy. That evening while I was snuggled in the crook of Adam’s arm before bed, he told me that Jack asked for another toy. Adam, once again told him if he has 5 days in a row of good reports from his teacher he could have it.

“Wait, so you bribed him again? Are you going to keep doing that?” I asked. Isn’t bribery bad? Like illegal bad? I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“Yes. I am. But the amount of days is going to get longer and the toys are going to get cheaper. I figure for $150 we can break him.” Adam replied.

I thought about this a while. I realized that I did the same thing on a smaller scale. Like giving Ben candy for going in the potty. It was a short time. In fact I think I ate more peanut M&Ms than he did. Pretty soon he was potty trained and went to the bathroom to do his business as a habit. He stopped asking for candy and I stopped giving it to him. Maybe Jack would just get used to behaving well too?

I also thought of all the things I did that weren’t working. Time outs, screaming, taking things away. All negative reinforcement. Bribery, on the other hand, could be construed as positive reinforcement, couldn’t it? I know Adam was happy to stand at the toy store and tell Jack how proud he was of him that he was buying him this toy for his good behavior. Sure was a lot less stressful and much more peaceful than the other stuff.

In the end I saw the wisdom in it. At the very least, I saw a strategy that was working. So this morning before school Ben asked if he could have an Ironman to match his Hulk toy.

“Well Ben, if you get a good report from your teachers for 3 days in a row….”

I can’t tell you how often I feel overwhelmed since we’ve had four kids. How often I’m doing two or three things at once and it’s still not enough. Just this morning I was preparing the snack for Ben’s class (I’m snack mom this week) with a baby strapped to me in a carrier while trying to gulp down bites of breakfast at the same time. I was running late and the added time pressure did not help my attitude towards motherhood one bit.

Today I walked by an acquaintance, Leah, on my way to school. We stopped to chat. I always liked her, in fact I often admired her. I marveled how she never seemed to raise her voice, or seem stressed out when every thing around her was out of control. She would just repeat sweetly, calmly until it was done, “JD, put your shoes back on please”.

Secretly I wondered what she was on and if I should try to get some from my doctor as well.

She passed by me this morning while I was unloading the kids from the car. She had a baby in a bjorn, a kid in a stroller and two more kids holding nicely onto either side of the stroller. I was putting the twins into their own stroller and getting Ben out of the car to bring him to the same school as well.

We stopped to chat. I asked her how she was enjoying having her older two kids in school. She said it was kind of boring during the day. I couldn’t believe it! I was so enjoying the boring, peaceful mornings. Down to two kids was so nice. So much easier.

Seriously what is this woman on?!

“Did she get any calls from school about her kids behaving badly?” I asked.

“No.” She replied.

Damn, I guess it’s just me then.

I’m still out there struggling to figure out how to be a better parent. Most days I’m disappointed by my performance and wish I had the energy to do more, to be more.

Yesterday I received a video in the mail from Parenting Perspectives. It’s something my friend Lottie has been pushing me to do for a while. I also heard good things about it from another friend, Jenny. The video arrived in the mail yesterday and I bargained with Adam to get him to watch it. He agreed to sit through it if I agreed to sit through the Avengers movie with him.

My father, as kindly as one can suggest something like this, sent me an article today on spoiled children. Maybe this is the reason I find our kids so hard to handle?

Or perhaps I’m over thinking it all. Maybe I just need Leah’s perspective. That having the children around is a constant joy. That their messes, fighting and tantrums are not completely exasperating. Maybe Leah should write her own parenting books for us to read. She could title it: “How to have Four Kids and Keep your Sanity and Serenity.”

Now if you all will excuse me, I need to sign off so I can go pick Ben up from school. Apparently he was throwing things, bit his teacher again and is in the principal’s office.

They Look like Angels, Act like Devils

I was almost too embarrassed to write this blog, but after speaking to my neighbor Sara, who has three boys of her own, I realized I was not alone.

I’m not sure how many people get calls from their kid’s teachers, but both my kids poor behavior is drawing enough attention that I’ve already been called aside or called at home FOUR times, two times for each kid.

I knew Jack’s first day of school would be hard for his new teacher when he woke up early after a bad night of sleep. He already wasn’t listening well before school and I knew it would only go downhill from there. After school that day I asked the teacher how he did. She very diplomatically said, “It’s a hard transition. I normally wait two weeks to see how everyone settles in before talking to the parents.”

So really bad, but she’s holding her tongue for two weeks. But she couldn’t wait that long. Before the two weeks were over she was talking to me about Jack’s unwillingness to move from activity to activity. His contempt for authority. How he bucks against it even if it’s something he wants to do, just to be difficult.

Adam was quick to take up the problem. With a persistence rivaled only by Jack’s own he talked to him over and over again about behaving better. That and a well placed bribe did the trick. For the past three days he’s gotten the thumbs up from his teacher.

What do these two have in store for me?

Pick up today made me very happy, until I got a call from the councilor at Ben’s school. She wanted me to come in and talk to a team of people about an incident that happened today. Ben was playing outside the playground area and, when asked to come back, he refused, flopped on the ground and then bit his teacher on the leg.

The day before the teacher had asked me how to get him to stop flopping. I had no ideas, he does it to me all the time and I can’t stop it at all. I normally yell and scream then finally just chuck him over my shoulder.

So, this evening Adam started on Ben.

I felt bad that Adam had to deal with this right when he got home. Like his job isn’t stressful enough! I wish I had his energy and resolve to see these problems through. I wish I could figure out how to stamp out these problems without having to lean on him. But I feel very lucky to have such an involved, caring partner in all this. Someone to be strong so I can be weak.

How we do Costco…

I thought we were having a good night last night, but I guess not.

As usual, Sam was crying at 2:30am for his first feed. Adam and I were asleep by 10pm, and since Anjelica had both the twins down before 7pm I didn’t consider this a bad night.

Shortly after, or maybe because Sam’s cry is so harrowing, Aaron was up. I dumped Sam back in the crib by 3am and switched to Aaron.

While feeding him I heard Jack wake and go into our bedroom. “Oh well, I thought, I guess I’m on the couch for the rest of the night.” 

I put Aaron back in the crib and curled up on the couch. Before I drifted into a heavy sleep, I heard Ben crying. Then I heard the pitter patter of running feet down the hall. I intercepted him and brought him back to his room. Lucky me, his bed is much more comfortable than the couch!

Sam was up again at 4:30 for another feed. I fed him, put him back in the crib and went back to Ben’s bed.

I was up by 6:15 with Sam for the morning.

I found out from Adam later that Jack had once again peed his bed in the night and come into our bedroom. Adam woke later to a warm sensation on his back, Jack had peed all over him in his sleep, shogun style, around 5am. Apparently he was snoring the whole time. Not only did he insult Adam with such an audacious act, but he then woke up shortly afterwards and refused to go back to bed.

Yes, that’s right! The strike is over!

I was very happy to hear it. I think I’m at my limit of juggling four kids, even though I have a very good helper and very supportive husband. It’s just a lot of work any way you look at it.

I was also very sad to hear it. Much as they drive me crazy with their wrestling, punching, dumping entire drawers of toys in 2 minutes and refusing to clean them up, and more, I am worried that I’ll miss the times I get to interact with them. It happens a lot more when we are together all day.

Yesterday Jack and I raced cars, well, he raced both our cars and hit mine off the road and declared himself the winner every time but it was still fun for me to see his little mind working so creatively. He loves to win and can be very competitive.

Ben and I got a few wrestling sessions in. He loves to jump on my back, stick his crotch in my face, kick me while I’m trying to feed the babies and hug my neck until I can’t breath. Not having to strong arm Ben off me during his morning’s feeds made them so easy they were almost boring.

I managed to keep a happy face when I sent Ben off to school. He was pretty excited about it. After I left, I kept myself together enough so that I wasn’t bawling on the street, like another mother I saw. In fact, seeing her looking like a hot mess made me keep a stiff upper lip. But I did shed a few tears in the car. The twins were sleeping and the silence was deafening.

Adam had about 15 seconds of fame last night. While at Welles Park for the Midnight Circus, the WGN crew trolled for comments from CPS parents about the continuing strike.

Shortly before 9pm I got a text from my friend Adrienne, who works at WGN, telling me she just edited a sound bite of my husband for the 9pm news.

Hmmm, I guess the saying, “the camera adds ten pounds” is actually a fallacy.

What, you want to know what his comment was? Okay, okay, I was busy being star struck.

He said, “I understand both sides but at some point you have to put the kids first and resolve this as quickly as possible because it is highly disruptive to the kids and their families.”